A LETTER TO SENATOR LARRY CRAIG

A letter to Senator Larry Craig of Idaho:

Dear Senator Craig:

I see that you got yourself in yet another humiliating situation in a men’s room. You and I are close to the same age, and by my calculations we have been going into public restrooms without chaperones for at least 50 years.

Your confusion in the men’s room led me to reflect on my “unwritten rules” of conduct for when I am in a public restroom—perhaps they will help you stay out of trouble in the future.

1. Look twice to be sure it is the men’s room you are going into.
2. Be careful of what you touch or sit on.
3. Do not smile or make eye contact.
4. No peeking into closed stalls. If the door is shut, assume that someone is inside.
5. Keep your eyes straight ahead when standing at the urinal—no glances right our left or down. It is okay to look at the ceiling.
6. Only use a stall in the direst of emergencies.
7. No foot-touching with the guy in the next stall—that is poor boundaries.
8. No hand-holding.
9. No foot-tapping.
10. If you get caught with your hand in the wrong stall, say you are reaching for the toilet paper.
11. Do not stand against the sink or you risk wet pants.
12. No reading in the men’s room.
13. Get in and out as fast as you can even if your hands are not dry.

Senator, I think you should get a second chance—to use a public restroom. If you follow these rules, you will not get into trouble.

I saw George Stephanopoulos on “Good Morning America” today (August 29, 2007) and he said words to the effect that your wife is a real heroine for standing beside you. I must differ: your wife is an enabler who should get brave and kick you out of her life just as fast as she can. I know you can’t imagine the pain, humiliation, and embarrassment you have caused her, but I imagine that she feels it every minute of every day.

Your sexuality doesn’t matter to me. What matters is your lack of authenticity and how your denial of who you are continually gets you into trouble.

Your nutty explanations for your behavior and for your guilty plea tell me that you would rather be an idiot than gay or bi-sexual. I’d rather have a senator who is gay or bi-sexual than a bonehead. We already have plenty of nincompoops in Washington.

Show some courage and judgment Mr. Craig—wash your hands of the whole mess, come out of the bathroom, and be the man that you are.